i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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