i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
