youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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