You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
