There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
