I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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