farters have to be the big spoon...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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