I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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