my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Congratulations! We have a period
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