ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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