I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
