I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
