the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
