I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
