The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize