help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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