i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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