Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
