On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
