I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
