Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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