I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
