I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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