Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
