i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
