I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
