Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
