It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
