Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
