At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
