i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
my liver is dry heaving
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
