I learned to sign I want to be on you today
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Deaf chicks here I come
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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