if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
What a dumb baby whore.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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