oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
