somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
nutella sex= disaster
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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