All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
