guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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