i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Randomize
