So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
