All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
