Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm getting married
To pizza
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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