Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
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