I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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