Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
