nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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