Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
