Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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