I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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