Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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