I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
