Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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