When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
