went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Randomize
