She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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