if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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