I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
