Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
