you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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