watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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