one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I enjoy the company of your penis
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