gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
