how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
