Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
